23.10.19

I find it so strange that I don’t have a 1000 words to write/to say (I normally do.) Obstacles are surrounding me and thoughts are processing through me but no words to type, no flow through the fingers to tap. Confused of how I am feeling, confused on the loyalty of people around me, confused on how I should be feeling and fully aware of the self care pal that I have dedicated time to build on my shoulder slowly shadowing away. (I will NOT allow this to happen)

Reading previous blogs, reminding myself a bad day is a bad day, one bad day does not mean several are about to follow. Reminding myself of the blogs I have read, the person I have become.

Telling myself: allow yourself to feel low, allow yourself to have an off day, allow yourself to process all the emotions you are feeling without beating yourself up about it. Life isn’t easy but it does not mean life cannot be kind.

Not every day, month, year will be a walk in the park and not every day, month, year will be a struggle, take day by day, month by month and year by year. Be grateful to be part of the world, to be part of the family you have around you, to be part of the friendship circle you have around you and to be the person you are.

I am aware the girl writing these blogs (moi) doesn’t have her sh** together 24/7 and doesn’t follow every bit of advice she is writing, however, she is learning and she is trying.

Putting yourself first, saying no to people who don’t deserve a yes, putting your needs first, not keeping quiet when you want to be loud and to not let unimportant problems take up so much space buzzing around. Currently I am struggling to keep these important pieces of life working, however, I am a 100% working at it.

As I’ve said the whole way through and what I keep needing to remind myself at the moment, ultimately the only person we have is ourselves. Be you, trust you, rely on you, care for YOU.

Yesterday

There is no guidebook, there is no handy guide on how to deal with a day like yesterday. You had to deal with it your own way, there was no correct way.

Tears strolling, sore eyes, shaky hands, emotions rushing through you like never before, fear passing in and out. Arms everywhere around one another, taps on the shoulders, smiles seen under the watery eyes, love floating around.

Thoughts such as ‘he would be proud,’ ‘he would loved to have been here, seen us all together.’ Conversations happening with subjects starting with ‘imagine if he was here he would be….’

Drinks going down, food being eaten, conversations happening, laughter starting to be heard. A day of beauty with the meaning of such sadness.

If you could have a snap polaroid picture of yesterday, it would show love no matter what angle the picture was taken from.

You have to handle a day like yesterday your own way, your own style and in your own path. If you feel hurt, allow it, if you feel numb that is ok, if you feel sad then release it and if you feel a relieve of getting to say goodbye then accept that.

For me, you will always be my pops, you will always be my grandad. I currently am hurt, I am currently sad but yesterday was beautiful for you and I know inside you would have loved seeing us all together. You’ll be forever in my life, in the stories I tell. One day we’ll meet again.

Body

I have learnt over the last few months to be grateful towards my body, to thank my body in ways I can because ultimately without my body functioning I wouldn’t be able to do all the amazing things I can. Since being a teen I have lived with a poor diet not really taking much consideration on the consequences that it could lead to. Since concentrating on my mental health and getting to a place I am happy with I now realise I have to do the same for my body. I have to give it 100%, feed it kind food (naughty sometimes of course,) be kind to it, be grateful towards it and love it. (Read bodyposipanda- a m a z i n g) What we put into our bodies is what we will get out of them.

I believe it is important for us to acknowledge our body is the one thing that keeps us functioning, let’s you walk the grounds you walk on, let’s you drink and eat the food and drink you love the most, let’s you take those naps that you almost certainly desire and let’s you function everyday carrying out the exciting plans you make. I believe We don’t give our bodies enough credit (I certainly haven’t been.)

No matter what skin colour your body is, what weight/shape your body is, what condition your body is in, YOUR body is allowing you to live in this wonderful life so treat it with just as much importance as your mind, it’s all connected. (If you don’t treat your mind with importance then please do, life becomes so much better when you put your health first.) You be kind to you and your body/mind will be kind back.

Reading + Anxiety

Hi guys,

I am here, my evenings have actually become very robotic when it comes to getting to bed. I light my ‘cosy up’ Yankee candle and start reading my present book hidden underneath my quilt whilst my fan is blowing breezily towards me. (= total bliss) My favourite hour of each week often now is walking to my local cafe, ordering a pint of Diet Coke (maybe a cookie) and reading a book for an hour – honestly, try it.

Anyone who suffers with anxiety or even just a mind that doesn’t quite understand how to slow down then I advice to read, I was a book worm when young, then grew out of it once going with my friends was much ‘cooler.’ I now have find the love again. It is an escape, it is time out and it is something I can officially call a hobby. You can read any book you like on anything you like, paperback, kindle or phone. Do it for YOU, have a break for YOU and allow yourself to have YOU time.