Strange not knowing what to write but having so many thoughts running around my mind. I am someone who normally writes about everything and anything but recently only have one word for my feelings/hands and that is numb.

I want to write, I want to express my feelings/emotions but don’t know how to as I am not sure of the emotions I am feeling myself.

Blogging hasn’t stopped for me, it is on pause whilst I put my mind first, figure out my emotions and then will be able to write away. Currently my mind is filled with memories/emotions of my pops who will forever be with me and I am sure is going to follow me round on my journey.

Remember, if you aren’t up for speaking, aren’t up for doing anything, that is ok. Not everyday is going to be like that, just the day you are on. Put yourself first, put your mental health first and take day by day and minute by minute.

Be proud of getting through each day.


There is no guidebook, there is no handy guide on how to deal with a day like yesterday. You had to deal with it your own way, there was no correct way.

Tears strolling, sore eyes, shaky hands, emotions rushing through you like never before, fear passing in and out. Arms everywhere around one another, taps on the shoulders, smiles seen under the watery eyes, love floating around.

Thoughts such as ‘he would be proud,’ ‘he would loved to have been here, seen us all together.’ Conversations happening with subjects starting with ‘imagine if he was here he would be….’

Drinks going down, food being eaten, conversations happening, laughter starting to be heard. A day of beauty with the meaning of such sadness.

If you could have a snap polaroid picture of yesterday, it would show love no matter what angle the picture was taken from.

You have to handle a day like yesterday your own way, your own style and in your own path. If you feel hurt, allow it, if you feel numb that is ok, if you feel sad then release it and if you feel a relieve of getting to say goodbye then accept that.

For me, you will always be my pops, you will always be my grandad. I currently am hurt, I am currently sad but yesterday was beautiful for you and I know inside you would have loved seeing us all together. You’ll be forever in my life, in the stories I tell. One day we’ll meet again.

Beautifully Lost

Anxiety rising, tear guard lowering, trembling knees fastening, emotions whirl-winding – currently me and my emotions.

Arms softly wrapped around, tears gently strolling, fingertips sifting through the ends of my hair, eyelids dosing on and off (with one peeking through every now and then), never failing to keep hold of my hands, squeezing every few seconds. A moment I will forever see as our goodbye pops and a moment I will never forget to hold tight.

Can I see you tomorrow? Just one more time, to say one more ‘nice to see you, to see you nice.’

No one is you, no one will ever be you. Only you can make the walls shake with a sneeze, only you can squat a fly within 0.035 seconds, only you can make us belly laugh and only you can make 12747 sarcastic comments in one day but still always manage to be a highlight of someone’s day.

Only you pops would be proud of me for doing a manly belch and compete against me and somehow manage to beat me with a bigger one, how I’ll never know. Only you over the dinner table would cause such laughter, making sarcastic comments/funny facial expressions just to make me laugh, with mum in the background saying, ‘what are you two doing.’ Only you would fill up with anger if a fly was within 03853 proximity of you and only you would play a pub quiz with the attitude of life or death.

One thing we have always shared, and I will always hold on to is eye contact. The ability to make ourselves laugh without any words, never too sure what about but we shared the same laughter and that laughter will forever be with me.

Me; ‘we are going out in ten minutes pops.’

Pops; ‘ok love, I’m ready.’

Me; ‘you ready, let’s go.’

Pops; ‘oh, I’ll be ten minutes, let me just shave and get my shoes on.’

What I would do now for this situation to be happening or for the words ‘lovellllly Sharon’ to be spoken.

If I could have it my way you would be sat perched on our living room single sofa, glasses half on/ half off, drink on the side (whilst I watched nervously for it to fall off) reading the newspaper or enjoying a crossword inside the newspaper.

Throughout all my life including when we lived a flight away, you never failed to be part of each year that went by filling them up with character, laughter and memories that will forever be treasured.

You are in peace now pops, you are in a place where one day we will meet again. You will forever be in my heart, in the stories I tell and the experiences I venture. Forever my grandad, forever my pops.