23.10.19

I find it so strange that I don’t have a 1000 words to write/to say (I normally do.) Obstacles are surrounding me and thoughts are processing through me but no words to type, no flow through the fingers to tap. Confused of how I am feeling, confused on the loyalty of people around me, confused on how I should be feeling and fully aware of the self care pal that I have dedicated time to build on my shoulder slowly shadowing away. (I will NOT allow this to happen)

Reading previous blogs, reminding myself a bad day is a bad day, one bad day does not mean several are about to follow. Reminding myself of the blogs I have read, the person I have become.

Telling myself: allow yourself to feel low, allow yourself to have an off day, allow yourself to process all the emotions you are feeling without beating yourself up about it. Life isn’t easy but it does not mean life cannot be kind.

Not every day, month, year will be a walk in the park and not every day, month, year will be a struggle, take day by day, month by month and year by year. Be grateful to be part of the world, to be part of the family you have around you, to be part of the friendship circle you have around you and to be the person you are.

I am aware the girl writing these blogs (moi) doesn’t have her sh** together 24/7 and doesn’t follow every bit of advice she is writing, however, she is learning and she is trying.

Putting yourself first, saying no to people who don’t deserve a yes, putting your needs first, not keeping quiet when you want to be loud and to not let unimportant problems take up so much space buzzing around. Currently I am struggling to keep these important pieces of life working, however, I am a 100% working at it.

As I’ve said the whole way through and what I keep needing to remind myself at the moment, ultimately the only person we have is ourselves. Be you, trust you, rely on you, care for YOU.

Numb

Strange not knowing what to write but having so many thoughts running around my mind. I am someone who normally writes about everything and anything but recently only have one word for my feelings/hands and that is numb.

I want to write, I want to express my feelings/emotions but don’t know how to as I am not sure of the emotions I am feeling myself.

Blogging hasn’t stopped for me, it is on pause whilst I put my mind first, figure out my emotions and then will be able to write away. Currently my mind is filled with memories/emotions of my pops who will forever be with me and I am sure is going to follow me round on my journey.

Remember, if you aren’t up for speaking, aren’t up for doing anything, that is ok. Not everyday is going to be like that, just the day you are on. Put yourself first, put your mental health first and take day by day and minute by minute.

Be proud of getting through each day.

Appreciate

There are so many moments we let slip without a thought, crazy right?

The unique thing about life is that not one second ever repeats itself again. If we live our life with the perspective of it being our last day to live, appreciating the quiet moments, appreciating the hugs with a person we love, appreciating the laughter over a ‘crappy’ joke with our mate, appreciating the hungover days we spend with ourselves in bed… I would be here all day if I wrote a list of every moment we should appreciate but you get the message I’m sure.

Don’t take a second for granted, live every moment with the passion and gratitude as if it’s your last and each day should be a delight. 💫

Numb

Feeling numb, feeling confused about the feeling of numbness, how should I feel? How should I digest this information? How should I react to this news and how should I go about the news following this night? Nothing can prepare you for bad news, nothing can prepare you for feeling like someone has hit you in the heart with a rock and kept it crushed there. I want to be positive, I want to embrace the news with a pinch of salt and move forward and enjoy every second moving on, although, my body, my heart is wanting everything to stop around me, wanting to curl into a sloth mode and not move for a little while, be comforted by myself and to not have to accept anything from the outside world.

Family is everything, there is no other word for it, every member of your family is everything, your happiness, your joy, your sadness, your pain, entirely everything from the moment you are brought into it. Thoughts running through my mind ‘you cannot allow yourself to break, allow yourself to tire out, you are here and you are here to deal with challenges in front of you, you are a kind and wonderful person and you will support your family, yourself and be there every second of the way.’ It may be a hard journey to follow but we have each other, as long as we remember that then everything will be ok, we need to remember we will break, we will crumble, we will laugh and almost certainly cry but most importantly any puzzle partings we loose on the way we will will always figure a way to find them back again.

P. S Now it is about trying to sleep with a mumbled brain and awaken with a clearer one, white box box out, favourite blanket above me and that’s it, night pals.