Numb

Strange not knowing what to write but having so many thoughts running around my mind. I am someone who normally writes about everything and anything but recently only have one word for my feelings/hands and that is numb.

I want to write, I want to express my feelings/emotions but don’t know how to as I am not sure of the emotions I am feeling myself.

Blogging hasn’t stopped for me, it is on pause whilst I put my mind first, figure out my emotions and then will be able to write away. Currently my mind is filled with memories/emotions of my pops who will forever be with me and I am sure is going to follow me round on my journey.

Remember, if you aren’t up for speaking, aren’t up for doing anything, that is ok. Not everyday is going to be like that, just the day you are on. Put yourself first, put your mental health first and take day by day and minute by minute.

Be proud of getting through each day.

Yesterday

There is no guidebook, there is no handy guide on how to deal with a day like yesterday. You had to deal with it your own way, there was no correct way.

Tears strolling, sore eyes, shaky hands, emotions rushing through you like never before, fear passing in and out. Arms everywhere around one another, taps on the shoulders, smiles seen under the watery eyes, love floating around.

Thoughts such as ‘he would be proud,’ ‘he would loved to have been here, seen us all together.’ Conversations happening with subjects starting with ‘imagine if he was here he would be….’

Drinks going down, food being eaten, conversations happening, laughter starting to be heard. A day of beauty with the meaning of such sadness.

If you could have a snap polaroid picture of yesterday, it would show love no matter what angle the picture was taken from.

You have to handle a day like yesterday your own way, your own style and in your own path. If you feel hurt, allow it, if you feel numb that is ok, if you feel sad then release it and if you feel a relieve of getting to say goodbye then accept that.

For me, you will always be my pops, you will always be my grandad. I currently am hurt, I am currently sad but yesterday was beautiful for you and I know inside you would have loved seeing us all together. You’ll be forever in my life, in the stories I tell. One day we’ll meet again.

Beauty Of Family

No family is perfect, no family doesn’t have drama’s including mine, although, my family, there MY definition of beauty.

Different life’s, different ‘homes, different friends, different personalities, different perceptions on life, different enjoyments and different life experiences, however, the true beauty of family is that we are all ONE.

We are a team, we have the same interest when it comes to one another and we certainly have the same fondness/love of one another. Friends, boyfriends and girlfriends come and go, family will always be apart of you whether you speak or see each other regularly families will almost certainly pull together when needed and work as ONE.

Tears of enjoyment, tears of sadness, tears of anger, family are there, achievements passed, failures happened, family are there. Illness, newborn, hard times, good times, family are there. Days you cannot talk, family is there, days you cannot stop talking, family are there. Every member of your family will be leading a different day to day life, have a different priority list on day to day basis but ultimately, the beauty is when needed you will come back together as ONE.

If you are as lucky as me to have a family which make every morning a worthy day to wake up, to live, then take a minute, look at the memories, the moments you have shared, the tears you have cried together over happiness, over sadness and just take a minute to appreciate those certain people you are thinking about. They are your ‘fans,’ they are your top supporters and they love you more than any other human will ever. Don’t take family for granted, kiss goodnight, hug good morning, text regularly, keep in touch on the quiet days and support on good and bad days. Allow yourself to say I love you and allow yourself to feel loved. You and your family are ONE.

Rock being ONE, rock being a team and rock the love you share, its my definition of beauty.

Whirlwind

Emotions high, anxiety rising, heart experiencing pain, guilt flowing, sadness simmering, whirlwind within my own mind. An experience I have never experienced, an experience able to consume the mind of 9427290 feelings. Trying to keep my s*** together, trying to hold myself together, trying to support others, trying to sleep throughout the night without interrupted thoughts, trying to keep my social life. Trying to write, mental blocks appearing each time, emotions getting involved, unable to write positive. Self- care being neglected, self-love being put on hold, consumed with those 9427580 feelings 24/7.

Using other experiences I have experienced to pull myself together, to remain with self- love, self- care, without those two parts working we couldn’t be the best version of ourselves and right now for the people around me and for the person within me I need to be this version. (She’s the best)

I will be back to writing as much as I can when my mind is able, I will not beat myself up on the days I can not write, I will allow my body to feel how it feels and move on to the next day as a new chapter.

Remember, be the best version of yourself, even when life is throwing challenges, YOU are important, you deserve self- love and self-care always, you do what you need to provide love to yourself before you provide all your love to others. YOU have got this.

Appreciate

There are so many moments we let slip without a thought, crazy right?

The unique thing about life is that not one second ever repeats itself again. If we live our life with the perspective of it being our last day to live, appreciating the quiet moments, appreciating the hugs with a person we love, appreciating the laughter over a ‘crappy’ joke with our mate, appreciating the hungover days we spend with ourselves in bed… I would be here all day if I wrote a list of every moment we should appreciate but you get the message I’m sure.

Don’t take a second for granted, live every moment with the passion and gratitude as if it’s your last and each day should be a delight. 💫

Numb

Feeling numb, feeling confused about the feeling of numbness, how should I feel? How should I digest this information? How should I react to this news and how should I go about the news following this night? Nothing can prepare you for bad news, nothing can prepare you for feeling like someone has hit you in the heart with a rock and kept it crushed there. I want to be positive, I want to embrace the news with a pinch of salt and move forward and enjoy every second moving on, although, my body, my heart is wanting everything to stop around me, wanting to curl into a sloth mode and not move for a little while, be comforted by myself and to not have to accept anything from the outside world.

Family is everything, there is no other word for it, every member of your family is everything, your happiness, your joy, your sadness, your pain, entirely everything from the moment you are brought into it. Thoughts running through my mind ‘you cannot allow yourself to break, allow yourself to tire out, you are here and you are here to deal with challenges in front of you, you are a kind and wonderful person and you will support your family, yourself and be there every second of the way.’ It may be a hard journey to follow but we have each other, as long as we remember that then everything will be ok, we need to remember we will break, we will crumble, we will laugh and almost certainly cry but most importantly any puzzle partings we loose on the way we will will always figure a way to find them back again.

P. S Now it is about trying to sleep with a mumbled brain and awaken with a clearer one, white box box out, favourite blanket above me and that’s it, night pals.

Hospitals Outlook

Recently I have spent more time than I have anticipated or wanted in hospitals looking over people I love. When walking in to a hospital our sudden mind process is dread, nerves or just seems to be a sudden jump to general negativity, understandably of course.

Hospital staff running around, relatives waiting for staff to arrive to there relatives, people crying, people shouting, people hugging or people smiling, it all happens within the walls of a hospital surrounded by the staff of the NHS. Hospitals have a spectacular way of bringing a families close together, bringing people who wouldn’t necessarily be together, together. Each person’s priority becomes the same one, we work as a team, we communicate as a team and we support as a team. Family members visiting walking is seen as ‘normal,’ however, not all patients will have a family around there beds/bays. (If you can pass a smile to a stranger on a hospital bed, then do so, it may be the only smile they get all day, be that kind person you know you rock at being.)

Hospitals bring people closer, hospitals and the staff within the walls help patients get better, help patients eat, help patients function throughout there days and help us be able to keep the people we love around us.

Don’t take a second for granted, don’t take the NHS for granted and certainly try and walk down the next hospital corridor noticing not only the sad parts but also all the love surrounding the walls, surrounding the bays and surrounding the patients, it’s magical when you look at it from that perspective.