23.10.19

I find it so strange that I don’t have a 1000 words to write/to say (I normally do.) Obstacles are surrounding me and thoughts are processing through me but no words to type, no flow through the fingers to tap. Confused of how I am feeling, confused on the loyalty of people around me, confused on how I should be feeling and fully aware of the self care pal that I have dedicated time to build on my shoulder slowly shadowing away. (I will NOT allow this to happen)

Reading previous blogs, reminding myself a bad day is a bad day, one bad day does not mean several are about to follow. Reminding myself of the blogs I have read, the person I have become.

Telling myself: allow yourself to feel low, allow yourself to have an off day, allow yourself to process all the emotions you are feeling without beating yourself up about it. Life isn’t easy but it does not mean life cannot be kind.

Not every day, month, year will be a walk in the park and not every day, month, year will be a struggle, take day by day, month by month and year by year. Be grateful to be part of the world, to be part of the family you have around you, to be part of the friendship circle you have around you and to be the person you are.

I am aware the girl writing these blogs (moi) doesn’t have her sh** together 24/7 and doesn’t follow every bit of advice she is writing, however, she is learning and she is trying.

Putting yourself first, saying no to people who don’t deserve a yes, putting your needs first, not keeping quiet when you want to be loud and to not let unimportant problems take up so much space buzzing around. Currently I am struggling to keep these important pieces of life working, however, I am a 100% working at it.

As I’ve said the whole way through and what I keep needing to remind myself at the moment, ultimately the only person we have is ourselves. Be you, trust you, rely on you, care for YOU.

Yesterday

There is no guidebook, there is no handy guide on how to deal with a day like yesterday. You had to deal with it your own way, there was no correct way.

Tears strolling, sore eyes, shaky hands, emotions rushing through you like never before, fear passing in and out. Arms everywhere around one another, taps on the shoulders, smiles seen under the watery eyes, love floating around.

Thoughts such as ‘he would be proud,’ ‘he would loved to have been here, seen us all together.’ Conversations happening with subjects starting with ‘imagine if he was here he would be….’

Drinks going down, food being eaten, conversations happening, laughter starting to be heard. A day of beauty with the meaning of such sadness.

If you could have a snap polaroid picture of yesterday, it would show love no matter what angle the picture was taken from.

You have to handle a day like yesterday your own way, your own style and in your own path. If you feel hurt, allow it, if you feel numb that is ok, if you feel sad then release it and if you feel a relieve of getting to say goodbye then accept that.

For me, you will always be my pops, you will always be my grandad. I currently am hurt, I am currently sad but yesterday was beautiful for you and I know inside you would have loved seeing us all together. You’ll be forever in my life, in the stories I tell. One day we’ll meet again.

Beautifully Lost

Anxiety rising, tear guard lowering, trembling knees fastening, emotions whirl-winding – currently me and my emotions.

Arms softly wrapped around, tears gently strolling, fingertips sifting through the ends of my hair, eyelids dosing on and off (with one peeking through every now and then), never failing to keep hold of my hands, squeezing every few seconds. A moment I will forever see as our goodbye pops and a moment I will never forget to hold tight.

Can I see you tomorrow? Just one more time, to say one more ‘nice to see you, to see you nice.’

No one is you, no one will ever be you. Only you can make the walls shake with a sneeze, only you can squat a fly within 0.035 seconds, only you can make us belly laugh and only you can make 12747 sarcastic comments in one day but still always manage to be a highlight of someone’s day.

Only you pops would be proud of me for doing a manly belch and compete against me and somehow manage to beat me with a bigger one, how I’ll never know. Only you over the dinner table would cause such laughter, making sarcastic comments/funny facial expressions just to make me laugh, with mum in the background saying, ‘what are you two doing.’ Only you would fill up with anger if a fly was within 03853 proximity of you and only you would play a pub quiz with the attitude of life or death.

One thing we have always shared, and I will always hold on to is eye contact. The ability to make ourselves laugh without any words, never too sure what about but we shared the same laughter and that laughter will forever be with me.

Me; ‘we are going out in ten minutes pops.’

Pops; ‘ok love, I’m ready.’

Me; ‘you ready, let’s go.’

Pops; ‘oh, I’ll be ten minutes, let me just shave and get my shoes on.’

What I would do now for this situation to be happening or for the words ‘lovellllly Sharon’ to be spoken.

If I could have it my way you would be sat perched on our living room single sofa, glasses half on/ half off, drink on the side (whilst I watched nervously for it to fall off) reading the newspaper or enjoying a crossword inside the newspaper.

Throughout all my life including when we lived a flight away, you never failed to be part of each year that went by filling them up with character, laughter and memories that will forever be treasured.

You are in peace now pops, you are in a place where one day we will meet again. You will forever be in my heart, in the stories I tell and the experiences I venture. Forever my grandad, forever my pops.