Numb

Strange not knowing what to write but having so many thoughts running around my mind. I am someone who normally writes about everything and anything but recently only have one word for my feelings/hands and that is numb.

I want to write, I want to express my feelings/emotions but don’t know how to as I am not sure of the emotions I am feeling myself.

Blogging hasn’t stopped for me, it is on pause whilst I put my mind first, figure out my emotions and then will be able to write away. Currently my mind is filled with memories/emotions of my pops who will forever be with me and I am sure is going to follow me round on my journey.

Remember, if you aren’t up for speaking, aren’t up for doing anything, that is ok. Not everyday is going to be like that, just the day you are on. Put yourself first, put your mental health first and take day by day and minute by minute.

Be proud of getting through each day.

Beautifully Lost

Anxiety rising, tear guard lowering, trembling knees fastening, emotions whirl-winding – currently me and my emotions.

Arms softly wrapped around, tears gently strolling, fingertips sifting through the ends of my hair, eyelids dosing on and off (with one peeking through every now and then), never failing to keep hold of my hands, squeezing every few seconds. A moment I will forever see as our goodbye pops and a moment I will never forget to hold tight.

Can I see you tomorrow? Just one more time, to say one more ‘nice to see you, to see you nice.’

No one is you, no one will ever be you. Only you can make the walls shake with a sneeze, only you can squat a fly within 0.035 seconds, only you can make us belly laugh and only you can make 12747 sarcastic comments in one day but still always manage to be a highlight of someone’s day.

Only you pops would be proud of me for doing a manly belch and compete against me and somehow manage to beat me with a bigger one, how I’ll never know. Only you over the dinner table would cause such laughter, making sarcastic comments/funny facial expressions just to make me laugh, with mum in the background saying, ‘what are you two doing.’ Only you would fill up with anger if a fly was within 03853 proximity of you and only you would play a pub quiz with the attitude of life or death.

One thing we have always shared, and I will always hold on to is eye contact. The ability to make ourselves laugh without any words, never too sure what about but we shared the same laughter and that laughter will forever be with me.

Me; ‘we are going out in ten minutes pops.’

Pops; ‘ok love, I’m ready.’

Me; ‘you ready, let’s go.’

Pops; ‘oh, I’ll be ten minutes, let me just shave and get my shoes on.’

What I would do now for this situation to be happening or for the words ‘lovellllly Sharon’ to be spoken.

If I could have it my way you would be sat perched on our living room single sofa, glasses half on/ half off, drink on the side (whilst I watched nervously for it to fall off) reading the newspaper or enjoying a crossword inside the newspaper.

Throughout all my life including when we lived a flight away, you never failed to be part of each year that went by filling them up with character, laughter and memories that will forever be treasured.

You are in peace now pops, you are in a place where one day we will meet again. You will forever be in my heart, in the stories I tell and the experiences I venture. Forever my grandad, forever my pops.

Beauty Of Family

No family is perfect, no family doesn’t have drama’s including mine, although, my family, there MY definition of beauty.

Different life’s, different ‘homes, different friends, different personalities, different perceptions on life, different enjoyments and different life experiences, however, the true beauty of family is that we are all ONE.

We are a team, we have the same interest when it comes to one another and we certainly have the same fondness/love of one another. Friends, boyfriends and girlfriends come and go, family will always be apart of you whether you speak or see each other regularly families will almost certainly pull together when needed and work as ONE.

Tears of enjoyment, tears of sadness, tears of anger, family are there, achievements passed, failures happened, family are there. Illness, newborn, hard times, good times, family are there. Days you cannot talk, family is there, days you cannot stop talking, family are there. Every member of your family will be leading a different day to day life, have a different priority list on day to day basis but ultimately, the beauty is when needed you will come back together as ONE.

If you are as lucky as me to have a family which make every morning a worthy day to wake up, to live, then take a minute, look at the memories, the moments you have shared, the tears you have cried together over happiness, over sadness and just take a minute to appreciate those certain people you are thinking about. They are your ‘fans,’ they are your top supporters and they love you more than any other human will ever. Don’t take family for granted, kiss goodnight, hug good morning, text regularly, keep in touch on the quiet days and support on good and bad days. Allow yourself to say I love you and allow yourself to feel loved. You and your family are ONE.

Rock being ONE, rock being a team and rock the love you share, its my definition of beauty.

Whirlwind

Emotions high, anxiety rising, heart experiencing pain, guilt flowing, sadness simmering, whirlwind within my own mind. An experience I have never experienced, an experience able to consume the mind of 9427290 feelings. Trying to keep my s*** together, trying to hold myself together, trying to support others, trying to sleep throughout the night without interrupted thoughts, trying to keep my social life. Trying to write, mental blocks appearing each time, emotions getting involved, unable to write positive. Self- care being neglected, self-love being put on hold, consumed with those 9427580 feelings 24/7.

Using other experiences I have experienced to pull myself together, to remain with self- love, self- care, without those two parts working we couldn’t be the best version of ourselves and right now for the people around me and for the person within me I need to be this version. (She’s the best)

I will be back to writing as much as I can when my mind is able, I will not beat myself up on the days I can not write, I will allow my body to feel how it feels and move on to the next day as a new chapter.

Remember, be the best version of yourself, even when life is throwing challenges, YOU are important, you deserve self- love and self-care always, you do what you need to provide love to yourself before you provide all your love to others. YOU have got this.

Appreciate

There are so many moments we let slip without a thought, crazy right?

The unique thing about life is that not one second ever repeats itself again. If we live our life with the perspective of it being our last day to live, appreciating the quiet moments, appreciating the hugs with a person we love, appreciating the laughter over a ‘crappy’ joke with our mate, appreciating the hungover days we spend with ourselves in bed… I would be here all day if I wrote a list of every moment we should appreciate but you get the message I’m sure.

Don’t take a second for granted, live every moment with the passion and gratitude as if it’s your last and each day should be a delight. 💫

Numb

Feeling numb, feeling confused about the feeling of numbness, how should I feel? How should I digest this information? How should I react to this news and how should I go about the news following this night? Nothing can prepare you for bad news, nothing can prepare you for feeling like someone has hit you in the heart with a rock and kept it crushed there. I want to be positive, I want to embrace the news with a pinch of salt and move forward and enjoy every second moving on, although, my body, my heart is wanting everything to stop around me, wanting to curl into a sloth mode and not move for a little while, be comforted by myself and to not have to accept anything from the outside world.

Family is everything, there is no other word for it, every member of your family is everything, your happiness, your joy, your sadness, your pain, entirely everything from the moment you are brought into it. Thoughts running through my mind ‘you cannot allow yourself to break, allow yourself to tire out, you are here and you are here to deal with challenges in front of you, you are a kind and wonderful person and you will support your family, yourself and be there every second of the way.’ It may be a hard journey to follow but we have each other, as long as we remember that then everything will be ok, we need to remember we will break, we will crumble, we will laugh and almost certainly cry but most importantly any puzzle partings we loose on the way we will will always figure a way to find them back again.

P. S Now it is about trying to sleep with a mumbled brain and awaken with a clearer one, white box box out, favourite blanket above me and that’s it, night pals.

Hospitals Outlook

Recently I have spent more time than I have anticipated or wanted in hospitals looking over people I love. When walking in to a hospital our sudden mind process is dread, nerves or just seems to be a sudden jump to general negativity, understandably of course.

Hospital staff running around, relatives waiting for staff to arrive to there relatives, people crying, people shouting, people hugging or people smiling, it all happens within the walls of a hospital surrounded by the staff of the NHS. Hospitals have a spectacular way of bringing a families close together, bringing people who wouldn’t necessarily be together, together. Each person’s priority becomes the same one, we work as a team, we communicate as a team and we support as a team. Family members visiting walking is seen as ‘normal,’ however, not all patients will have a family around there beds/bays. (If you can pass a smile to a stranger on a hospital bed, then do so, it may be the only smile they get all day, be that kind person you know you rock at being.)

Hospitals bring people closer, hospitals and the staff within the walls help patients get better, help patients eat, help patients function throughout there days and help us be able to keep the people we love around us.

Don’t take a second for granted, don’t take the NHS for granted and certainly try and walk down the next hospital corridor noticing not only the sad parts but also all the love surrounding the walls, surrounding the bays and surrounding the patients, it’s magical when you look at it from that perspective.