Fairytale Illusion

Black screen tempting me in, blue light flashing, urges to unlock and explore. ‘Don’t do it,’ going around in my head but self discipline lacking.

Exploring turning into investigating, fingers tapping, self discipline no where to be seen only unrevealed messages tapping in and out of my thoughts.

Back turned against me, silence filling the space, frustration in one and sadness in another, not knowing how to speak, what to say or how to feel.

Guilty of my actions but not necessarily sorry, knowing it was wrong but finding out I was right, wanting to apologise but wanting to fight, emotions swivelling around, although, no words to be said.

Wanting to rewind, starting to doubt self improvement, wanting to undo actions, remain to having a pleasant time, remain being in a bubble, however, knowing the bubble is popped and we are on the outside of it instead.

Bodies trying to sleep but neither sleeping, turning back and forth but no words spoken, silence still filling the air. Regret starting to build as the night is starting to end.

Ultimately, think before you do anything, think it is correct, think if it is necessary and mostly think if it’s going to make you happier, if not don’t do it, move on.

Clarification

If you are anything like me you may have the tendency to decide you want to do something, however, need to ask a few people to get clarification on the decision. You are pretty certain it won’t change the answer but you feel the need to hear just one person agree with you and justify your decision. I can honestly say this is me in MANY situations. I am sure this is down to lack of self trust, impulse or self confidence and it gets me every time (I want to learn to stop this, do you?) I am going to try and change the perception I have and hopefully you can too. Lets start by asking ourselves. Why are we asking others? why are we asking for clarification? are there opinions anymore valid than our own? do they know what is best for us and we don’t? Are we wanting to be told what’s accepted as acceptable or not? Are we just wanting support that possibly we can’t give ourselves?

For now I am going to leave those questions and come back with another blog once I have figured the answers out, however, for now, do what YOU want to do, do what YOU think is best for you and don’t depend on others for YOUR own happiness, rely on yourself and own your own adventure.

Remember

It’s hard to be positive when all you feel is cracked, It’s hard to see a future when all you see is past. How are you meant to feel ok when all you feel is sad? Life isn’t easy, life can be hard, it will almost always throw challenges left right and centre BUT if you remain strong you can get through each one and come out brighter on the other side. It is ok for us to feel broken sometimes, to feel misplaced in situations, we are allowed to have an ‘off time.’ Please don’t ever define yourself on one label, a mother, a father, a friend, a sister, you are many more things not only to yourself but to people around you. Each and every one of us have a life with more chapters waiting for us, it is important to understand you can get stuck in ‘mud’ for a while, however, you have to stick your wellies on and reach back out of the ‘mud’ and into the place you deserve. Giving up isn’t an option, past isn’t an option only present and future, make it count, look forward, work with what you have, don’t dwell on what you could of had and ultimately remember we deserve to be happy, hang on in there and see what life has to bring.

The Three Day Challenge (Connectivity)

Negatives; Has someone text me? Does someone need to get in touch with me? Has work tried to contact me? How’s my friends doing travelling? Will I have many notifications on Monday? Throughout the days these thoughts triggered at least 10 times a day. On the third day the urge to connect was ‘sad,’ but felt needed, just before midnight I gave in on the challenge and connected after feeling a constant reminder throughout the day. Throughout the day before connecting, questions swivelled round such as; Who is in charge my phone or me? what is it I am connected to? What or who is it I am inpatient for? Do I feel I am missing out? Do I feel I need to be in contact with people? Do I need to be reachable?

Positives; Having no connectivity allowed me to experience a better day each day whilst away, I woke up each morning interested in the days weather, I woke up wanting to achieve my goal to finish my book, I woke up thinking about the day ahead and how we should spend it. When my father took me to places I had never visited, beaches I had never seen, I took in the view, I appreciated the view and I enjoyed the view, not my phone, not instagram, I did.

I will now remain to use my phone with a different mindset, I will now message when I can rather than when I feel I have to, I will post when I want to, rather than when I feel I need to, I will unlock my phone when I feel I want to rather than when I feel I have to. Let’s control our phones rather than our phones controlling us, let’s live our moments rather than our phones living them for us, let’s chat to one another instead of communicating over posted pictures and let’s switch off once in a while and take a break when we decide to.

P.s – I’ll be back tomorrow, back to my daily blogging, challenge officially over, yay. Give it a go if you fancy, see how you do, let me know.

Connectivity

No existence of time, no vibration for notifications, no distractions of what other people are doing, no pressure to respond, connectivity can be damaging, addictive and can be time consuming. I hope through my challenge I’ll achieve total bliss and rest. Many of us can easily spend 3+ hours on our phones per day, crazy right? I can scroll from twitter, Instagram, snapchat and back to twitter without noticing the minutes passing by. I can check my phone more than 100 times a day, for a text, phone call or a notification. I feel we miss out on moments, miss out on conversations and miss out on time we can never get back.

I have decided to challenge myself for three days to not touch my phone, to turn it off, to have a break. Seems crazy that this is perceived as a challenge for me and probably many other people, I believe connectivity has become a habit rather than a wanted pleasure. If you agree with me, challenge yourself too, let’s change it, instead of our phones taking charge of us, lets take charge of them, unlock them when WE want to and lock them when WE want to.

So for now I’m off to relax, to walk on beaches, to read my book, to switch off and to spend some quality time with my father. See you back here on Monday (wish me luck.) x

My Safe Space

After suffering with anxiety last year I quickly realised I needed a ‘safe space.’ When I say ‘safe space’ I mean somewhere to express true emotions whether that’s alone or with somebody,’ where you can choose everything surrounding the space and in the space such as music (Ben Howard every time) and it’s where you can close the door and switch off from the chaos outside. I strongly believe each and every one of us should have a ‘safe space’ to breath. This doesn’t necessarily mean each person needs a house or even a bedroom, maybe a study, maybe a book hideaway but somewhere to fill with ornaments, books, makeup, jewellery, whatever makes YOU happy. Everyday we have daily challenges, daily tasks and by having a ‘safe space’ it may improve those difficult days we all have. I can finally say after moving ever 3-4 years my bedroom has become a safe space for me, full of my books, my beauty products, my chosen bedding, my chosen wallpaper and my chosen pictures (oh and of course my chosen fan.) By having this room I feel I can escape on hard days, I can allow myself a rest, a break from the business of the outside world. WE all deserve this, we all deserve an escape from the challenges we face, a place where it is all about ourselves and full of things that can make us happy. Put your mental health first, before anything else.

Quote

I don’t think there is another option but to love yourself because it is who you are going to be for the rest of your life, it is one thing you can’t change. You can either learn to find happiness in this or you can live trying to change yourself.

Jessica Jane

I truly believe everyone should be at peace with themselves as the one person we will truly always have is ourselves. Remember, YOU get to choose how you live your life, it is up to YOU what decisions you make but however YOU do it, remember to own it.