Numb

Strange not knowing what to write but having so many thoughts running around my mind. I am someone who normally writes about everything and anything but recently only have one word for my feelings/hands and that is numb.

I want to write, I want to express my feelings/emotions but don’t know how to as I am not sure of the emotions I am feeling myself.

Blogging hasn’t stopped for me, it is on pause whilst I put my mind first, figure out my emotions and then will be able to write away. Currently my mind is filled with memories/emotions of my pops who will forever be with me and I am sure is going to follow me round on my journey.

Remember, if you aren’t up for speaking, aren’t up for doing anything, that is ok. Not everyday is going to be like that, just the day you are on. Put yourself first, put your mental health first and take day by day and minute by minute.

Be proud of getting through each day.

Yesterday

There is no guidebook, there is no handy guide on how to deal with a day like yesterday. You had to deal with it your own way, there was no correct way.

Tears strolling, sore eyes, shaky hands, emotions rushing through you like never before, fear passing in and out. Arms everywhere around one another, taps on the shoulders, smiles seen under the watery eyes, love floating around.

Thoughts such as ‘he would be proud,’ ‘he would loved to have been here, seen us all together.’ Conversations happening with subjects starting with ‘imagine if he was here he would be….’

Drinks going down, food being eaten, conversations happening, laughter starting to be heard. A day of beauty with the meaning of such sadness.

If you could have a snap polaroid picture of yesterday, it would show love no matter what angle the picture was taken from.

You have to handle a day like yesterday your own way, your own style and in your own path. If you feel hurt, allow it, if you feel numb that is ok, if you feel sad then release it and if you feel a relieve of getting to say goodbye then accept that.

For me, you will always be my pops, you will always be my grandad. I currently am hurt, I am currently sad but yesterday was beautiful for you and I know inside you would have loved seeing us all together. You’ll be forever in my life, in the stories I tell. One day we’ll meet again.

Spa

Time alone has always been a challenge seen by myself, a challenge I never felt too happy to participate in as I am sure many of us feel the same about, right?

A year on I have spent a whole day in a spa as well as many other moments alone, however, the spa was the first time alone and the first time I truly relaxed doing the things I wanted to do NOT what I thought looked better to be seen. I spent the day reading a book, relaxing in a swimming costume and robe not giving a f*** of people’s opinions and I enjoyed two treatments without my phone beside me vibrating notification. Just me, myself and I.

I now see time on my own as self love, self care and an enjoyable way to spend it. If you don’t like time alone give yourself some little tasks to get use to it because honestly once you start enjoying it, your life changes in many positive ways. Ultimately you only have YOU, so allow yourself to look after you.

Beautifully Lost

Anxiety rising, tear guard lowering, trembling knees fastening, emotions whirl-winding – currently me and my emotions.

Arms softly wrapped around, tears gently strolling, fingertips sifting through the ends of my hair, eyelids dosing on and off (with one peeking through every now and then), never failing to keep hold of my hands, squeezing every few seconds. A moment I will forever see as our goodbye pops and a moment I will never forget to hold tight.

Can I see you tomorrow? Just one more time, to say one more ‘nice to see you, to see you nice.’

No one is you, no one will ever be you. Only you can make the walls shake with a sneeze, only you can squat a fly within 0.035 seconds, only you can make us belly laugh and only you can make 12747 sarcastic comments in one day but still always manage to be a highlight of someone’s day.

Only you pops would be proud of me for doing a manly belch and compete against me and somehow manage to beat me with a bigger one, how I’ll never know. Only you over the dinner table would cause such laughter, making sarcastic comments/funny facial expressions just to make me laugh, with mum in the background saying, ‘what are you two doing.’ Only you would fill up with anger if a fly was within 03853 proximity of you and only you would play a pub quiz with the attitude of life or death.

One thing we have always shared, and I will always hold on to is eye contact. The ability to make ourselves laugh without any words, never too sure what about but we shared the same laughter and that laughter will forever be with me.

Me; ‘we are going out in ten minutes pops.’

Pops; ‘ok love, I’m ready.’

Me; ‘you ready, let’s go.’

Pops; ‘oh, I’ll be ten minutes, let me just shave and get my shoes on.’

What I would do now for this situation to be happening or for the words ‘lovellllly Sharon’ to be spoken.

If I could have it my way you would be sat perched on our living room single sofa, glasses half on/ half off, drink on the side (whilst I watched nervously for it to fall off) reading the newspaper or enjoying a crossword inside the newspaper.

Throughout all my life including when we lived a flight away, you never failed to be part of each year that went by filling them up with character, laughter and memories that will forever be treasured.

You are in peace now pops, you are in a place where one day we will meet again. You will forever be in my heart, in the stories I tell and the experiences I venture. Forever my grandad, forever my pops.

Beauty Of Family

No family is perfect, no family doesn’t have drama’s including mine, although, my family, there MY definition of beauty.

Different life’s, different ‘homes, different friends, different personalities, different perceptions on life, different enjoyments and different life experiences, however, the true beauty of family is that we are all ONE.

We are a team, we have the same interest when it comes to one another and we certainly have the same fondness/love of one another. Friends, boyfriends and girlfriends come and go, family will always be apart of you whether you speak or see each other regularly families will almost certainly pull together when needed and work as ONE.

Tears of enjoyment, tears of sadness, tears of anger, family are there, achievements passed, failures happened, family are there. Illness, newborn, hard times, good times, family are there. Days you cannot talk, family is there, days you cannot stop talking, family are there. Every member of your family will be leading a different day to day life, have a different priority list on day to day basis but ultimately, the beauty is when needed you will come back together as ONE.

If you are as lucky as me to have a family which make every morning a worthy day to wake up, to live, then take a minute, look at the memories, the moments you have shared, the tears you have cried together over happiness, over sadness and just take a minute to appreciate those certain people you are thinking about. They are your ‘fans,’ they are your top supporters and they love you more than any other human will ever. Don’t take family for granted, kiss goodnight, hug good morning, text regularly, keep in touch on the quiet days and support on good and bad days. Allow yourself to say I love you and allow yourself to feel loved. You and your family are ONE.

Rock being ONE, rock being a team and rock the love you share, its my definition of beauty.

Whirlwind

Emotions high, anxiety rising, heart experiencing pain, guilt flowing, sadness simmering, whirlwind within my own mind. An experience I have never experienced, an experience able to consume the mind of 9427290 feelings. Trying to keep my s*** together, trying to hold myself together, trying to support others, trying to sleep throughout the night without interrupted thoughts, trying to keep my social life. Trying to write, mental blocks appearing each time, emotions getting involved, unable to write positive. Self- care being neglected, self-love being put on hold, consumed with those 9427580 feelings 24/7.

Using other experiences I have experienced to pull myself together, to remain with self- love, self- care, without those two parts working we couldn’t be the best version of ourselves and right now for the people around me and for the person within me I need to be this version. (She’s the best)

I will be back to writing as much as I can when my mind is able, I will not beat myself up on the days I can not write, I will allow my body to feel how it feels and move on to the next day as a new chapter.

Remember, be the best version of yourself, even when life is throwing challenges, YOU are important, you deserve self- love and self-care always, you do what you need to provide love to yourself before you provide all your love to others. YOU have got this.

Time Out

Mind rushing, thoughts processing, heart rate racing, irrational thoughts slowing rising, bursting emotions happening. Sometimes our minds are just TOO busy, it happens to all of us. When this happens sometimes it can feel there is no escape, there is no ‘time out.’

10 things I attend to do just to have ‘time out’ on those not so quiet days/weeks just to feel numb for a second, to escape for a minute or to purely focus on me for a slight moment:

1. Read a book (no1 every time)

2. Write a blog (even if there is nothing positive to write about)

3. Listen to music (sad or happy but music YOU enjoy)

4. Eat food (comforting as most of us know)

5. Take a shower or bath (use your favourite shower gel, shampoo and conditioner, self indulge)

6. Take a walk (not always my first choice if I am 100% honest BUT it never fails to help a down day)

7. Have a nap (always a good one)

8. Colouring (so many books you can get now for de-stressing give it a go)

9. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while (someone who will make you smile)

10. Work (sometimes work seems like the last place we would like to be BUT it can be a great mind distraction and ‘time out’)